Boatsalad already made How I Feel About Elpizo: The Comic, so I made this instead.

Neptune won’t rat a brotha out.


Why is the ONLY time a weapon like Yammark Option, which is actually probably THE MOST useful X weapon after Storm Tornado, in crappy ol’ X6 and never in any of the other games? Le sigh.

You answered your own question.

It’s X’s only Option.

100 Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do at the Resistance Base

1. We’re not just letting Ciel think she’s in charge because she’s “absolutely pwecious”. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

2. Pantheons are not good eats. Conversely, the red stuff they leak is not ketchup.

3. Despite our status as outcasts, I will not refer to us as an army of thieves and whores.

4. While the suggestion that General Harpuia is a woman is an entertaining notion, it does not count as useful enemy intelligence. Especially the seventh time.

5. We do not live in Mordor.

6. There are much better uses of resources than giving the cyber elves tiny hand-knitted outfits.

7. No matter how it’s framed, suggestions to outfit the foot soldiers with red shirts will be greatly frowned upon.

8. For the last time, even if they turn into bigger, better versions of themselves when they eat, cyber elves are not digimon.

9. Just because we are a resistance and primarily named like Francophones does not mean I can have a guillotine.

10. Not allowed to, upon hearing that our plan is to wake a legendary hero, break into Latin Chanting.

11. My battle cry is not “THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA” at the top of my lungs.

12. I cannot requisition a golem to serve as my battle steed.

13. “I thought you’d be taller” is not the appropriate greeting to the legendary hero. Nor is “Hey, aren’t you really famous for dying a lot?”

14. Not allowed to convince Alouette that Zero’s hair is a braiding free-for-all zone.

15. Even if the base could use some repair and maintenance, a couple strategically placed throw pillows is hardly going to help things.

16. Just because there is a Necromancess does not mean I can become a wizard.

17. There is not a secret society of gnomes hiding cyber elf capsules.

18. The fact that a general’s first name is “Fighting” does not mean I can give myself a similarly-lettered name based on other kinds of prowess.

19. Not allowed to play schmultzy adult video music over the video feeds of Zero and Leviathan fighting.

20. The fact that Master X is utterly awful at naming things is not considered relevant enemy intelligence.

21. Not allowed to note how many redheads there are in the resistance while suggestively waggling my eyebrows at Cerveau.

22. Aztec Falcon cannot be disabled simply by pointing out that the Mayan calendar has already run out.

23. In the fight to prove that beam sabers should be standard gear for a resistance member, I will keep in mind that Zero’s killcount is a statistical outlier and will not be counted.

24. Running bets on whether Fefnir or Leviathan has a bigger crush on Zero are discouraged. Possibly with Beam Saber.

25. Just because Master X is a copy does not mean there is a copy of me ruling over a city somewhere, waiting for its rightful leader.

26. Elpizo is not our band-aid solution pretty boy.

27. No, I may not set up a love triangle reality TV show between Elpizo, Zero and Ciel. Even if all that is on is Neo Arcadian propaganda.

28. Not allowed to tap the baby elf’s glass.

29. The Chain Rod is not a toy, and definitely not a sex swing.

30. Not allowed to grade my fellow members’ missions on a bell curve.

31. Playing “Fuck the System” every time Elpizo tries to make his speech about invading Neo Arcadia is in incredibly poor taste.

32. Just because the guardians all have descriptive first names does not mean Harpuia is the spice lord.

33. Cyber Elf X is not Zero’s stalker boyfriend, so it should logically follow that I am not allowed to file a restraining order on Zero’s behalf.

34. Not allowed to ask what other swords Zero might need to train up.

35. Now that we have a better base, the appropriate response is to be grateful, not complain that I don’t get a cooler uniform like the new guys.

36. The reason Zero is not going on the invasion trip is not “an HR-determined conflict of interest”.

37. “I told you so” is not an appropriate response to our crushing defeat, even if Zero agrees with me.

38. Phantom’s ghost does not haunt Zero’s hair. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

39. When we are having a missile lobbed at us is an incredibly poor time to level petty vendettas against the snack machines, even if I am completely confident in Ciel and Zero’s abilites.

40. Not allowed to parrot everything Elpizo says back in a whiny emo band voice.

41. Cyber Elf X is not secretly princess Leia’s hologram, despite overwhelming parallels.

42. Phoenix Magnion is not, and will never be, up for s’mores.

43. Despite the fact that his guns are called “Sodom” and “Gomorrah”, his outfit, and his overwhelming interest in Zero, not allowed to contact Neo Arcadia to confirm my suspicions about Fefnir’s sexuality.

44. The Baby Elves are not up for vulgar renaming after the recent turn of events, unless I wish to see Alouette cry.

45. “You’ve gained weight” might not be the best thing to tell Leviathan’s armed phenomenon.

46. Elpizo’s transformation does not get power from its bling.

47. The Dark Elf is not, in fact, Drizz’t.

48. Not allowed to organize Cyber Elf cage matches.

50. Cyberspace is not a social media site. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

51. Amusing video remixes of the guardians getting smacked down by Omega are in poor taste.

52. Not allowed to frame my rampant crayon wall-vandalism on Alouette.

53. If I must experiment on which aspects of Dwarf Fortress are realistic, I should not start with filling our base with cats.

54. Not allowed to tamper with the secret disks to spread my rumour that Leviathan does bikini shoots in her spare time.

55. You cannot equip “One head chip on top, another on bottom”. It is wrong to tell new recruits this.

56. The new Copy X is not Copy Copy X, Carbon Copy X, or any similarly ridiculous distinction.

57. While Harpuia is in our base, not allowed to harrass him for future plot twists in Neo Arcadian sitcoms.

58. The eight gentle judges are not the mythological reploid naming commitee.

59. The eight gentle judges are not mahou shoujo, transformation sequences notwithstanding.

60. Cubit Foxtar is not just a member of the judges because of affirmative action.

61. Giant detached floating hands are not the ultimate measure of enemy power.

62. Not allowed to use Cyberspace as my personal shortcut to the recroom.

63. Finding out how on earth anyone named Blazin’ Flizzard got a judiciary position is not the final goal of our intelligence-gathering mission.

64. While Harpuia is being repaired, not allowed to doodle obscene things on his face.

65. Not allowed to sell tickets to the video feed of Zero’s fight with Copy X. Especially if the tagline is “Tonight, someone dies!”

66. Not allowed to keep pet viruses in cyberspace.

67. Even if Cerveau just gave Harpuia a logic smackdown, yelling “OH SNAP” from the hall probably won’t increase his chances of joining forces with us.

68. Just because the Dark Elf fuses with people willy-nilly does not mean there’s a cool ultimate form in my future.

69. The easiest way to catch the Dark Elf would not have been to just be the biggest, most pompous jerk in the room, despite the trend.

70. Nobody is interested in the irony of Phantom having a ghost, least of all Harpuia.

71. Not allowed to copyright any of our enemies’ names as titles for metal bands.

72. Having been Maverick for a few minutes does not give me the rights to intimate counselling.

73. Cyber Elf X is not obligated to explain how he happens to know the exact counter for the heretofore unknown maverick field the enemy is using.

74. Omega does not get more powerful the prettier he gets.

75. The guardians are not the new Elvis.

76. Not allowed to suggest “alternative” uses for the Z-Knuckle’s grabbing feature.

77. Not allowed to break into the computer system just to make my mission grades spell out words.

78. Not allowed to fiddle with the weather system just to mess with people who dressed for clear skies.

79. Our caravan is not in dire need of bumper stickers.

80. Croire is not a digimon.

81. Not allowed to street race other caravans.

82. Area Zero’s name is a coincidence, despite the fact that I haven’t heard of any Area Ones or Twos, have you?

83. When we’re on the road, not allowed to share my antiquiated, quaint stories about caravans being ambushed by natives.

84. Not allowed to create item recipes for illicit products and mix them in with the regular ones.

85. Not allowed to tell Neige she missed the scoop on scandalous pics of Harpuia at the resistance base.

86. Craft has no relation whatsover to Kraft dinner, even if they are both very cheesy.

87. Not allowed to test Weil for tragically chronic mythological naming addiction.

88. Not allowed to ask where Weil got all of the energy for this artifical sun when we’re in the middle of an energy crisis.

89. Pegasolta Eclair is not a type of ice cream.

90. … Which also means that Popla Cocapetri is not a soft drink.

91. Not allowed to play cheesy romance music over Zero’s Comm whenever Craft and Neige are in the same place.

92. Ragnarok is not just Weil compensating for something.

93. Not allowed to teach Croire dirty words.

94. Can’t just take down the giant laser space station with another giant laser, even if it worked last time.

95. Craft and Neige’s relationship is not stockholm syndrome.

96. Not allowed to just take the space elevator. That’s patently ridiculous.

97. The inside of Ragnarok is not in actuality just an acid trip.

98. Not allowed to tell Weil he’s gotten a head in life.

99. During the final climactic battle, not allowed to sell popcorn and e-crystals.

100. Not allowed to just assume Zero will be back, because… He won’t.


You’re in Treble now.

You’re in Treble now.